Last night, or I should say very early this morning, I had a very strange dream. It was one of those rare dreams that I ended up thinking about all day long.
In the dream, I was in a large building. Speedy was there. Apparently I had given him away and he was going to be shipped to a shelter. I looked for him for a long time, half in disbelief that I had actually given him away. And then I saw him - I was behind a glass window and he was in there in a wire cage - alone, left there.
I realized in that moment that I had given him up and I made a very firm decision, "I am going to get him back!"
And then I woke up. And I realized that no such thing had ever happened, and that he was gone because he's dead.
Honestly, there was a sense of relief - it was just a dream.
The reality of my life is good right now. Dean, Tessa, and Bandit are all doing very well. Very, very, very well, in fact. Good things are happening with all three of them - we are riding an awesome wave at this point.
Whenever the dream would come to mind, I would feel grief over Speedy's loss like I haven't felt in a very long time. And that left me wondering - what the heck is going on? There seemed to be more than just a simple, "I miss him" happening here. I miss him every day. Somehow this was different.
I think I may have figured it out.
Recently I started up my online Freestyle school again. I am offering three classes, they just started on Monday, and everything is in full swing.
I had made a decision to try to use as little footage of Speedy as possible in the classes. I plan to re-film a lot of what I did with Speedy, mainly with Bandit, but probably with Dean and Tessa, too.
My reason for doing this is simply that I want to move forward. I don't want to spend my life looking back, although I will always remember what was. But when it comes to what I am putting "out there" to the public, I wanted to try to make it current.
Maybe this was where the notion that I had given Speedy up came from?
As I was putting some video together today for one of my classes, I did pull in some of Speedy's work.
While I plan to focus much more on Dean, Tessa, and Bandit in my demonstrations, maybe I need to make sure that Speedy is always a part of this.
After all, I wouldn't even be doing this if not for him.
It felt good to go to some of his video and include him in it. Really, it's the only way I can "get him back" at this point.
I don't see it so much as living in the past as keeping him part of something he should always be a part of.
Maybe that wasn't it? Time will tell. Very odd dream, though . . .
This is the video I put together today, featuring Speedy, Dean Dog, and Tessa.